How do you show someone you love them? Do you buy them expensive gifts? Spend quality
time together? Make personal sacrifices just to see them smile? Dedicate a song
to them? Write a love letter or note of encouragement? Become their cheerleader?
Those are wonderful things to do but my question goes deeper then those types of
activities, even beyond your romantic partner. Think about your parents, your children,
your best friend, your sister, or your brother… anyone you love. How do you really
show them that you love them? Reverse the question if you like – how do you really
know if someone loves you?
The answer lies in getting to know them. To truly love someone is to care about
them to the very depth of who and what they are, what they believe, what they like,
what they dislike, how they respond under pressure. It is so much more than what
is their favorite color? Who is their favorite musician? All time favorite movie?
It is knowing that they do not like fruit flavors in their colas, no cherry or lemon
cokes. It is knowing just what temperature she likes her bubble bath. It is knowing
that he prefers wearing cotton and why. It is knowing the perfect birthday present
when they didn’t even know what to ask for. It is looking at each other across a
room and sharing a private joke without saying a word. Loving someone is the ability
to see past the polite response to “How’s it going?” and knowing that they really
are not “Fine, thanks.”
How do you get to that point? You watch them. You observe them. You ask them questions.
You really listen to their answers. You figure it out. Why do you put so much
time and energy into it? Because you love them. Because they fascinate you. Because
you really do not have anything more important to do with your time. You are really
truly present. You do not ever stop. How many relationships fizzle because we simply
grow apart? We grow apart because we are not paying attention to each other anymore.
We are no longer connected.
Maybe you are bitter because your own needs are not being met. Fair enough. It
sucks to be in a one sided relationship. No argument there. Tell them. Tell them
you feel ignored, unimportant, and distant, like it just isn’t special anymore. Tell
your mother you miss being really connected and close. Tell your lover you feel
like the two of you are running on autopilot and it just isn’t that incredible close
relationship that you once had. Tell your teenager that you hate the distance that
is growing between you. Reach out afterwards and ask them to share their heart’s
secrets with you. “Tell me who you are. Tell me what you dream of. Tell me, do
you still love chocolate ice cream with Oreos on the side for breakfast? Tell me
what your soul’s made of, and I’ll tell you about mine.” Then listen, really listen.
Hear their answers.
Nobody can truly be close to me and not know that Melissa Etheridge sings to my soul.
You cannot listen to her song Talking to my Angels and not think of me. If you
really loved me enough to know me personally, you would know that they will be playing
her song, This War Is Over at my funeral some day. You would know that I long to
visit Ireland and that I love fairies because I think they are our guardian angels.
You would know about “those two people” that I write these articles and stories
for. You would know what “the Winnebago Years” are all about. You would know that
when I am really angry and losing control that you need to distract me with something
logical to wrap my brain around and I will suddenly start pulling myself back together.
You would know that lying is my biggest pet peeve.
What do I know about the people I love? I know that she does not drink caffeine
anymore and always orders strawberry lemonades when we go to lunch. I know when
he lies to protect me and when he lies to protect himself. I know by the look in
their eyes, when my children are starting to get sick. I know why she keeps trying
to become a vegetarian and why she fails at it. I know that music haunts his soul
even though he is stuck working as a salesman. What would I know about you if I
loved you enough to really get to know you?
Are we so wrapped up in ourselves, our careers, our own personal schedules and goals
that we forget to really connect with our loved ones? When was the last time you
really checked into the hearts and minds of those you profess to love? We all change,
grow, evolve. Are they still the same people you fell in love with? How would you
know? I am not who I was fifteen or twenty years ago, or even the same person I
was five years ago. Are you? Are they?
What is the greatest gift you can give someone? Your full attention and focus. Take
the time to really get to know them after all these years. Fall in love with them
all over again. Get to know them as if you have just met. Of course you have to
honor their secrets, be loyal, do not use the information to play power games or
to ever belittle them. That destroys trust. Use the information to pick out the
perfect Valentine’s gift, to plan the perfect vacation, to surprise them with a movie
they have never seen but will love, or to simply bring them their coffee with the
perfect amount of cream and sugar before they even realized that they wanted some.
It can be as simple as asking them, “Tell me about yourself. Tell me what the world
looks like through your eyes.” Create the little moments that say ‘I love you’ by
knowing what ‘I love you’ looks like to them.
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